One of the most common complaints I hear in marriage counseling is, "My spouse doesn't really listen to me." What is interesting is that when I ask each spouse whether they consider themselves a good listener, they almost always answer, "Yes." Yet their husband or wife often tells a different story. Most people genuinely believe they listen well. In reality, many of us spend more time preparing our response than truly understanding what the other person is saying.
Good listening is one of the greatest gifts you can give another person. It communicates love, respect, understanding, and value. It deepens intimacy, strengthens friendships, and builds healthier marriages.
John Gottman, one of the leading marriage experts in the world, has identified listening as one of the most important relationship skills couples can develop. The good news is that listening is a skill that can be learned and improved.
Step 1: Prepare Yourself
Before you can listen well, you must prepare your heart. As fallen people, our natural tendency is to focus on ourselves—our opinions, our stories, our needs, and what we want to say next. Good listening requires that we put ourselves to the side and focus on the other person. The Apostle Paul writes: "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." (Philippians 2:3-4) This mindset is essential for listening well.
When I walk into church on Sunday mornings, and I am on my game, I often pray, "Lord, help me focus on others today. Lead me to the people you want me to encourage." That is a prayer that God seems to always answer to my amazement.
Good listening begins when we set aside our own agenda, put away distractions, turn off our phones, try to be fully present and seek to understand another person's perspective. Listening starts long before the conversation begins.
Step 2: Attune to the Other Person
Attunement means being fully present with another person. Most of us know what it feels like to be ignored. We have all spoken to someone who seemed distracted, detached and their eyes are looking around the room. They might have been eager to jump in with their own thoughts before we finished speaking. Those experiences left us feeling unimportant, unseen and in some cases unloved.
In 1957 two American psychologists, Carl Rogers and Richard Farson, coined the phrase “active listening” and the term has endured for more than seventy years. Active listening is the idea that we can and should make an extra effort to show people that you’re listening to them rather than just listening quietly. This happens with body language, whether you’re leaning closer, nodding your head or arching an eyebrow at the right moment. All these signals help show the other person that you are listening to them.
Jackie Kennedy Onassis, who was considered one of the most socially astute women of her generation cultivated the skill of being an exceptional good listener. She was known for the way she would lock eyes with people, listen intently, and make the other person feel they were the only person in the room. People remarked that when they were listened to in this way, they became more lucid, wittier and clever. An other-centered person will always be seen as a good conversationalist.
When you listen, do not take responsibility for the other person’s feelings. Do not try to make them feel better. Just tune into how they are feeling. The goal is just to really understand them.
The following is a list of things to do:
Ask good questions. And really listen to the answers.
Ask open-ended questions, these are questions that cannot be answered with a simple yes or a no. These open up the heart. Make exploratory statements that help you understand, like, “Tell me more about that story.” or “What was it like to experience this?” Jesus was particularly skilled at asking questions to those around him.
Then follow up on the answers you get.
Avoid judgment.
Communicate respect.
Communicate understanding and empathy. Let me home in this one:
In To Kill a Mockingbird, author Harper Lee wrote, “You never really understand another person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”
Similarly, Ed Welsh wrote that listening means something much more than another person being able to recite your main points. It means that the other person understood what was important to you in the midst of those facts. It means that what is important to you became important to the person who was listening to you.
What are you seeking to know?
Everything! You are listening to everything about a person’s story. How they put their world together and where are they heading. You are listening for the good stuff and the bad stuff. You are interested in their present, past and the future, their hopes and dreams.
Listening involves much more than hearing information. Paul David Tripp writes about listening for "entry gates"—doorways into another person's experience that enable you can connect with them emotionally.
Listen to emotional words- “I’m afraid”, “I’m angry”, “I cannot stop crying.
Listen to interpretive words. “This shouldn’t happen.” “I guess I am getting what I deserve.” “I wonder if it’s even worth getting up in the morning.”
Listen to self-talk. “I am a failure.” “This always happens to me.” “I don’t have what it takes to face this.”
Listen to God talk. I thought I was doing what God wanted.” “He simply doesn’t answer my prayers.” “How could God let this happen to me.”
As a listener it is important to also observe nonverbal cues, such as facial expressions, gestures, posture, tears and numerous other subtle body language signals. It is estimated that 80% of what we communicate comes from these signals. It may sound strange, but you listen with your eyes as well as your ears.
Step 3- Reflect Back What You Hear
One of the most powerful listening skills is reflection. After someone speaks, summarize what you heard in your own words. You might say: "It sounds like you felt hurt because you were expecting support and didn't receive it." Or: "It makes sense why you would feel that way given what happened." Notice that you are not necessarily agreeing with the person's conclusions. You are simply demonstrating that you understand their experience.
Harper Lee captured this beautifully in To Kill a Mockingbird: "You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view ... until you climb into his skin and walk around in it."
Similarly, biblical counselor Ed Welch writes that listening means understanding not only a person's facts but also understanding what is important to them. When something matters deeply to another person, it should matter to us as well.
This is empathy. Empathy is not fixing it is coming along side someone. Romans 12:15 says: "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." Expressing empathy might not come easy to you but it is a skill you can learn.
Often the most compassionate responses are simple: I'm so sorry." "That sounds incredibly painful" or "I can understand why that would be difficult." Only after we have listened carefully, understood the person's story, and communicated genuine concern have we earned the right to offer advice. As Paul Tripp wisely says, only then have we earned the right to handle "the fine china" of another person's life.
Step 4: Share Yourself
Healthy relationships involve mutual sharing. Once you have listened well, allow the other person to know you too. Share your thoughts, feelings, experiences, and struggles appropriately. Healthy relationships mutual caring, mutual respect, and reciprocity.
As you speak, consider the acronym: W.A.I.T. — Why Am I Talking? Before speaking, ask yourself whether you are trying to help, understand, encourage or simply trying to redirect attention back to myself? The goal is not to remain silent. The goal is to speak in ways that serve and benefit the other person while fostering a deeper relationship.
Here’s How to Become A Great Listener
Healthy communication is essential in every relationship, but it is especially vital in marriage. When couples learn to listen well, they create an environment where understanding, trust, and emotional connection can flourish. In marriage counseling, I help couples develop the communication skills needed to navigate conflict, strengthen their friendship, and build deeper intimacy.
If you and your spouse are struggling to connect, you do not have to face those challenges alone. I would be honored to help you move toward the close, fulfilling relationship God intends for marriage. Contact me today for a free 15-minute consultation at 973-464-2759.