In many marriages, conflict does not always show up as yelling or harsh words. Sometimes, it shows up as silence. One spouse shuts down, turns away, or refuses to engage. What may look like “keeping the peace” is often something far more damaging.
Dr. John Gottman, one of the leading researchers on marriage, calls this behavior stonewalling, and he identifies it as one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”—four communication patterns that strongly predict divorce (the others being criticism, defensiveness, and contempt).
What Is the Silent Treatment or Stonewalling?
Gottman defines stonewalling as withdrawing from interaction, shutting down, and refusing to engage emotionally or verbally. It can look like:
Giving the silent treatment
Avoiding eye contact
Walking away mid-conversation
Responding with indifference or minimal words
Acting emotionally unavailable
Gottman explains, “Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner.” At first glance, this may appear calm or controlled, but in reality, it communicates something powerful: “You are not worth engaging.”
Why Do People Stonewall?
Gottman’s research shows that stonewalling is often not intentional cruelty—it is frequently a response to emotional flooding. When a person becomes flooded: Their heart rate increases, stress hormones surge, their body mode shifts into fight, flight, or freeze. Gottman notes that during flooding, “a person’s ability to process information is severely compromised.” In other words, they are not thinking clearly—they are overwhelmed. So instead of lashing out, they shut down. While this helps them cope in the moment, it creates serious problems in the relationship over time.
Why Stonewalling Is So Destructive
Stonewalling is not neutral silence—it is relational disconnection. Over time, it damages a marriage in several profound ways:
1. It Communicates Rejection- The spouse on the receiving end often feels ignored, unimportant, or emotionally abandoned. Silence in this context does not feel peaceful. It feels like rejection.
2. It Escalates Conflict- Stonewalling often creates a pursue–withdraw cycle: One spouse pursues, asks questions, and seeks resolution, while the other withdraws. The other shuts down or avoids. The more one spouse pursues, the more the other withdraws, only intensifying frustration on both sides.
3. It Prevents Resolution- Problems cannot be solved if one person refuses to engage. Issues remain unaddressed, unresolved, repeated. This leads to a buildup of resentment.
4. It Erodes Emotional Safety. Healthy marriages require emotional accessibility. Stonewalling teaches the other spouse: “I can’t reach you” “You’re not safe to talk to.” Over time, this erodes trust and intimacy.
5. It Predicts Relationship Breakdown. Gottman’s research is sobering. Chronic stonewalling is a strong predictor of divorce. It often appears alongside the other Horsemen, especially contempt, which Gottman calls “the single greatest predictor of divorce.”
Are There Times When Silence Is Wise?
Here is where we need discernment. Not all silence is sinful or destructive. In fact, Scripture gives us examples of wise restraint, including Jesus Himself. In Matthew 26:63, when falsely accused before Caiaphas, “Jesus remained silent.” This was not avoidance—it was intentional, controlled, and purposeful silence. Similarly, Proverbs teaches: “Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise” (Proverbs 17:28); “A soft answer turns away wrath” (Proverbs 15:1). There are moments when speaking would escalate conflict, cause harm or reflect poor self-control. In those moments, silence can be wise.
Stonewalling vs. Wise Silence: What’s the Difference?
The key difference lies in the heart, the intention, and the outcome.
Stonewalling-This is motivated by avoidance, control, or by being overwhelmed. It communicates a disconnection. It leaves the other person hanging. It avoids resolving the issue and it creates distance between the couple.
Wise Silence- This is motivated by self-control, discernment and a desire to please God. It seeks to prevent harm. Itis often done temporarily, and includes the intention to re-engage later. It protects the relationship
A helpful way to say it: Stonewalling says, “I’m done with you.”
Wise silence says, “I need a moment so I can love you well.”
An Alternative Approach
Gottman does not tell couples to “just keep talking.” Instead, he offers a healthier alternative: self-soothing with intentional return.
1. Take a Break (When Flooded) Say something like: “I’m feeling overwhelmed. I need a break,” I need to take a time out to calm down. This communicates that you are aware of what is going on in your body. It indicates respect and that you are not just pulling away. It also shows an intention to return.
2. Self-Soothe During the Break- Do not rehearse the argument over-and-over in your mind. Instead take a walk, breathe deeply, pray or calm your body.
3. Return to the Conversation-This is where many couples fail. You must come back to work through the conflict. This is often difficult because one or both spouses do not want to get back into an argument and would rather sweep it under the rug. But it can fester and cause long term damage to the relationship.
It is best if the spouse who disengaged reconvenes the second discussion. Ideally this needs to be within 24 hours of the initial discussion. When intervening you can say something like: “I’m ready to talk now” or “Can we try again?” Doing this transforms silence from destructive withdrawal into constructive pause.
Final thoughts
Silence in marriage is not always the problem, but what silence means is the problem. Silence that avoids, punishes, or disconnects will slowly destroy a relationship. Silence that reflects wisdom, restraint, and a commitment to re-engage can strengthen it.
Gottman’s research and Scripture, both point us in the same direction: Healthy relationships require not just speaking but engaging with a regulated heart, a willingness to return, and a commitment to love well.
If you find that stonewalling has become a pattern in your marriage, it is not too late to change. I can help you. Please reach out to me for marriage counseling by clicking on the link below to set up a free 15-minute consultation. I can help you develop the right tools, awareness, and guidance so you can move from shutdown to connection—and rebuild emotional safety again.