Growing up I was very close to my mother, perhaps too close. In my late 20s I started to see some things that were very unhealthy about our relationship and without even realizing it I became bitter toward my mother. Around this time, I was being discipled and really growing in my faith and it became clear that I needed to forgive my mother. In response I wrote my mother a letter explaining this and asked for her forgiveness. An interesting thing happened the day I put the letter in the mailbox—my stomach ulcer went away.
Since this time, I have always been very attuned to the importance of forgiving others and the detrimental effect not forgiving can have on me. Now I strongly advise my clients to forgive and not harbor unforgiveness. For this reason, I am writing about forgiveness—what it is, how to detect it, and what God says about it. In a follow-up blog, I will describe how to forgive others.
What Is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness is not minimizing sin, excusing wrong behavior, or pretending that something did not hurt. Forgiveness is a conscious, costly decision to release someone from the debt they owe you because of their sin against you. Scripture roots forgiveness in God’s character: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32) When someone sins against you, there is a real offense—a debt. Forgiveness is choosing to release that debt and entrust justice to God. It is not saying, “It didn’t matter.” It is saying, “It mattered—but I will not make you pay for it.”
Why Forgiveness Matters—Jesus’ Teaching in Matthew 18
Forgiveness is so central to the Christian life that Jesus addressed it directly and forcefully. In Matthew 18:21–22, Peter asks, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Peter likely thought he was being generous. But Jesus responds: “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” In other words, forgiveness is not about keeping score—it is about cultivating a heart that is ready to forgive.
Jesus then tells the parable of the unforgiving servant (Matthew 18:23–35), and the details are striking: A servant owes the king ten thousand talents an unpayable, astronomical debt (equivalent to millions, even billions today). The servant then falls on his knees and begs for mercy. The king, moved with compassion, cancels the entire debt.
But what happens next is shocking: That same servant goes out and finds a fellow servant who owes him a hundred denarii a small, manageable amount. He grabs him, chokes him, and demands repayment. When the fellow servant pleads for patience (using the exact same words), he refuses and has him thrown into prison. When the king hears about this, he calls the man back and says: “You wicked servant… Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?” The king then hands him over to be punished. Jesus ends with a sobering warning: “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.” (Matthew 18:35) The message is unmistakable: those who have been forgiven much must forgive much. Our forgiveness of others is rooted in the immeasurable forgiveness we have received from God.
“Jesus Doesn’t Understand” … Or Does He?
One of the most difficult things a Christian will face is offering genuine forgiveness to those who have deeply hurt us. When Jesus commands us to love our enemies and forgive, it can feel impossible. Many think, “Jesus didn’t know my situation,” or “He doesn’t understand the depth of my hurt.” But He does. Jesus endured betrayal, rejection, injustice, abuse, and ultimately crucifixion. And from the cross, He said: “Father, forgive them…” (Luke 23:34)
He understands suffering more deeply than we ever will—and He commands forgiveness precisely because He knows that even the deepest wounds can be healed through His blood.
Few stories capture this better than Corrie Ten Boom’s account in The Hiding Place. After surviving the horrors of a Nazi concentration camp—where she lost her father and sister—Corrie later encountered one of her former guards. She writes: “It was at a church service in Munich that I saw him, the former S.S. man who had stood guard at the shower door… And suddenly it was all there… the heaps of clothing, Betsie’s pain-blanched face.” The man approached her, expressing gratitude for her message about forgiveness: “To think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!” Then he extended his hand. Corrie continues: “And I… kept my hand at my side… Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them.” She knew what Christ had done—for her and for him. Yet she felt no ability to forgive. So she prayed: “Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give me your forgiveness.” And then: “As I took his hand the most incredible thing happened… a current seemed to pass… and into my heart sprang a love for this stranger…” She concludes: “It is not on our forgiveness… that the world’s healing hinges, but on his.” This is the heart of biblical forgiveness: God does not merely command it—He supplies it.
Signs You Have Not Forgiven
Many people say they have forgiven, but their hearts remain bound. Jesus says forgiveness must come “from the heart” (Matthew 18:35).
Here are common indicators of lingering unforgiveness:
Replaying the offense over-and-over
Ongoing bitterness or anger
Desire for revenge or justice on your terms
Emotional withdrawal or coldness
Speaking negatively about the person repeatedly
Lack of compassion or empathy
These signs reveal that the debt is still being held.
Why Forgiveness Matters for You
Unforgiveness is not neutral—it is destructive. Hebrews 12:15 warns that bitterness grows like a root and defiles many.
In counseling, unforgiveness is often tied to:
Anxiety and rumination
Depression
Relational conflict
Even physical symptoms
Your body often carries what your heart refuses to release. My own experience with physical healing was not coincidental—it reflected a deeper spiritual reality.
Forgiveness brings freedom.
Why Forgiveness Matters to God
Forgiveness reflects the gospel. Every time we forgive, we mirror Christ.
Colossians 3:13 – “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
Matthew 6:14–15 – Our forgiveness is tied to how we forgive others
Mark 11:25 – Forgive when you stand praying
God takes forgiveness seriously because it reflects whether we truly understand His grace.
A Final Word
Forgiveness is one of the hardest things God calls us to—and one of the most freeing. It does not mean what happened was okay. It means you are choosing to release the debt and entrust justice to God.
And here is the hope: you do not have to manufacture forgiveness on your own.
Like Corrie Ten Boom discovered, when you come to God honestly and say, “I cannot forgive,” He meets you there—and provides the very forgiveness He commands.
If unforgiveness is weighing on you, it is time to address it in Christian Counseling with Beth Hastings. In counseling I can help you process your hurt and strong emotions and learn to forgive. You do not have to carry this burden any longer. Please call Beth for a free 15-minute consultation.
In the next blog, we will walk through how to forgive—practically, biblically, and step by step.