Do you have impossibly high standards that you cannot possibly live up to? Do you feel that you must do everything correctly the first time? Do you do tasks over and over until you get them right? Do you put off tasks because you do not think you can do them perfectly? When you make mistakes, do you feel shame?
Are you overly concerned with the opinions of others? Maybe you review conversations over and over in your mind, thinking about what you could have said differently. Do you second-guess decisions based on what others will think? When you make a gaffe, do you get embarrassed and cringe at the thought?
Do you think in all-or-nothing terms? You might feel that unless you go to the “best” university or get your “dream job,” you are a failure. Or you might receive positive feedback at work but focus on one criticism and decide that you did a terrible job.
Do you avoid going anywhere when you do not look your best? You may get all dressed up just to get coffee. You might hold yourself to a high standard of beauty and feel that you need expensive cosmetic procedures and beauty products to achieve it.
Do you find it difficult to reveal who you really are to close family and friends? You might be afraid that if others find out who you really are or what you believe, they will reject you. You may feel like an impostor even when you are accomplished in your field, fearing that someone will discover that you are faking it and really don’t know what you are doing.
Do you feel guilty relaxing? You might know that you are overworking, but there is always something more to do. When you are tired and need sleep, do you feel unable to stop, calm your body down, and rest?
If you answered yes to the majority of these questions, you may struggle with perfectionism. But there is hope: Christ invites you to rest in him rather than continually strive to prove your worth.
I must confess that I am a recovering perfectionist who, for many years, tied my self-worth to my ability to do things with a high degree of excellence so I would look a certain way to myself and others. One incident early in my marriage still stands out in my mind. I was having a dinner party. I had worked all day to make a delicious gourmet meal, set a beautiful table, and have a pristine house, but I was exhausted, had stress pains in my back, and was miffed at my husband for not helping me more. That night, I was so tired and stressed that I did not even enjoy our guests.
The next day, I reflected on the evening and had a coming-to-Jesus moment. I realized that what started out as a genuine desire to bless our friends had turned into a production to glorify not God but myself. This was a turning point, but it took many years for me to overcome something that had become very entrenched.
I am reminded of Martha, the sister of Lazarus, who literally had a coming-to-Jesus moment. Although the Bible does not call her a perfectionist, I recognize something of my own struggle in her response to entertaining guests, including Jesus. She was also miffed, but at her sister, Mary, for not helping her. Instead, Mary was sitting at Jesus’ feet, listening to him talk. Martha complained to Jesus, asking him to have Mary help her. Jesus tenderly responded, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her” (Luke 10:41–42, NIV 1984).
These two incidents illustrate how the desire to do things well can become tangled up with anxiety, worry and resentment. Perfectionism is more than wanting to do something well. It is a pattern of overperforming, setting demanding standards, and feeling distressed when we or others fall short.
Perfectionism is the pursuit of flawlessness that makes our performance, other people’s approval, or our ability to stay in control the basis of our worth and security. The Bible does not use perfectionism as a psychological term, but it speaks directly to the fears, desires, and beliefs that can drive it.
Wanting to do something well, with a high degree of excellence, is not wrong. Scripture encourages diligent work offered to the Lord (Colossians 3:23). The difficulty comes when “I want to do this well” becomes “I must do this perfectly to be acceptable, loved, in control, or safe.”
If you believe that you are struggling with perfectionism and it is negatively impacting your life, anxiety therapy can help bring you relief. Please reach out to Beth Hastings at 973-464-2759 for more information or to set up a free 15-minute consultation. I have helped many people just like you recover from the tyranny of perfectionism.